From Reactivity to Connection: Why Curiosity Is Key in Life and Relationships
Please note that this blog post reflects the author’s perspective is not a substitute for individual therapy or support. If you need immediate support, please connect with your local crisis support (such as calling or texting 9-8-8 within Canada) or emergency services (such as 9-1-1).
Many of my favourite phrases as a therapist are variations of, “What would it be like to be curious about that?” or “Let’s be curious about that together".
At first glance, it might just sound like a typical therapist thing to say, but there’s a deeper reason I return to it so often.
Curiosity is not just a way to explore thoughts, emotions, or situations; it’s a transformative tool for healing and growth. Let’s unpack why curiosity matters so much.
Why Curiosity?
Imagine a situation where you’re having a difficult conversation. Perhaps someone interrupts you mid-sentence, and you feel dismissed or unheard.
In that moment, curiosity is likely the farthest thing from your mind. Instead, you might feel frustration, disappointment, anger, or even numbness. Your body responds, too—tightness in the chest, a clenched jaw, or fidgety hands might all show up. These reactions aren’t bad; they’re normal human responses to a situation that feels distressing or threatening.
To understand these reactions, let’s take a quick dive into how the nervous system works to protect us. Our brains and bodies are constantly scanning for danger. When we sense that something might be threatening or dangerous, the amygdala, a small but important part of the brain, initiates the process of turning on our automatic survival responses like fight, flight, or freeze. Our “thinking brain” (the prefrontal cortex) is also turned off so that it doesn’t interfere with the body being able to respond quickly to potential threats to survival. While these responses are helpful in life-or-death situations, they can make it hard to stay grounded and connected in everyday challenges.
The Polyvagal Ladder: A Map of Regulation
It can be helpful to picture a ladder representing different states of your nervous system:
Top of the ladder (ventral vagal state): You feel safe, calm, engaged, and connected. You’re able to think clearly, communicate effectively, and access a range of positive emotions like joy, excitement, and interest.
Middle of the ladder (sympathetic state): You’re ready to fight or flee. Your body is primed for action, and emotions like anger, frustration, or anxiety might dominate.
Bottom of the ladder (dorsal vagal state): You feel shut down, disconnected, or numb. Your energy is low, and it might feel hard to engage with others or even yourself.
When you’re frustrated during a conversation, you’re likely somewhere in the middle or bottom of the ladder. This isn’t a conscious choice; it’s your nervous system responding automatically to a perceived threat. But by becoming curious, you can begin to climb back up the ladder toward connection and safety.
How Curiosity Helps
Curiosity requires an element of safety. In a life-or-death situation, your brain is not curious – it is focused on surviving.
In situations that may be uncomfortable or frustrating or even distressing – but are not dangerous – noticing things that you’re curious about helps send signals to safety to your brain and body. It helps to quiet the amygdala’s alarm bells and re-engages the prefrontal cortex, allowing you to think more clearly, access empathy, and respond in ways that align with your values. It helps to deactivate the sympathetic or dorsal vagal responses and allows your body to shift back into the ventral vagal state. Over time, practicing curiosity can rewire your brain to respond to stressors with more flexibility and resilience.
(Of course, I’m talking about situations that may be uncomfortable or frustrating or even distressing, but that are not dangerous. If you have difficulty distinguishing between the two, that’s very common, especially if we have experienced difficult or traumatic things in the past. It can be helpful to work with a trusted support such as a therapist if you encounter this difficulty. It’s also important to note that there are systems and structures, like racism, that have historically, and continue to, cause ongoing threat for certain groups.)
Indeed, curiosity is a characteristic of the grounded, present self. It allows you to notice your thoughts, emotions, and body sensations without judgment. For example, instead of focusing solely on how wrong the other person is (a normal human response!), for example, what would it be like to orient toward curiosity?
I’m curious – what am I feeling in my body right now?
I’m curious – what do I need in this moment?
I’m curious – what might the other person be feeling? Is there something that I’m missing?
This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or automatically agreeing with the other person. It’s about creating enough safety within yourself to approach the situation with openness.
From this place, you’re better equipped to set boundaries, problem-solve, or communicate effectively — actions that align with the person you want to be.
Building New Patterns: An Invitation
If shifting into curiosity feels hard, that’s okay. Patterns of reactivity develop for good reasons, often rooted in past experiences where these responses were necessary for survival. While these patterns may no longer serve you in the present, they were once important. Changing them takes time and practice.
Start small. The next time you notice frustration or disconnection, pause and ask yourself, What can I be curious about right now? Or, perhaps even begin by noticing that in this moment, I’m not at all curious! These simple questions and observations can help begin the process of creating new patterns of signalling safety to your brain and body, creating space for new possibilities.
Curiosity is a powerful antidote to reactivity, helping you reconnect with yourself and others. If you’d like support in exploring how curiosity can transform your patterns, working with a therapist can be a great place to start. Let’s be curious together—about your experiences, your strengths, and the possibilities for growth that lie ahead.
About the author
Sabrina Sibbald (MSW, RSW) is a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist. She supports adults in Burlington, Toronto, and across Ontario to overcome anxiety, people pleasing, and trauma so they can move forward in a way that feels true to who they are.
References
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Fisher, J. (2021). Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists. PESI Publishing & Media.
Fisher, J. (2023). Trauma-Informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST) Training - Levels I and II. Academy of Therapy Wisdom.
