PSYCHOTHERAPY & COUNSELLING SERVICES
Therapy for People Pleasing
Toronto & across Ontario • Online Sessions
Burlington • In-person Sessions
Do you feel like it is your job to make others happy?
Do you have difficult emotions like anxiety, fear, or guilt when you think about sharing your needs or doing something that others disagree with?
Do you worry that no one (maybe not even yourself) knows the ‘real’ you?
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing in itself isn’t bad.
We are humans, and we are wired to want to connect with others. It is a normal part of relationships to have the desire to make those around us happy, or to not want others to feel badly.
However, sometimes, we have learned (whether we are consciously aware of it or not), for example, that:
It is our job to take care of the emotions of others
Or that we are safest when people around us are not feeling upset
Or that the needs of our co-workers, family, friends, or partners are more important than our own.
When we talk about being a people pleaser, we mean when we find ourselves consistently taking actions (or not taking actions) in the hopes that it will make another person happy, avoid conflict, or prevent us from feeling overwhelming emotions like guilt, shame, or anxiety.
It might mean that we are often crossing our own boundaries, or disconnecting from our own wants, needs, and boundaries so much that we are not sure who we are or what we want.
Some ways that might let you know that you are putting the emotions, opinions, or needs of others before your own in a way that is not in line with what living a full life might mean to you include:
Feeling that it is your job to make others happy or to prevent conflict
Feeling difficult emotions like anxiety, fear, or guilt when you think about sharing your needs or doing something that others disagree with
Not being sure of how to decline a request such as at work or with family or friends
Feeling like you can’t say no
Feeling emotions like anxiety, guilt, or shame when you do set a boundary or say no to a request
Feeling like no one (maybe not even yourself) knows the ‘real’ you
Feeling burnt out or drained
Avoiding spending time with others because it is exhausting to manage the emotions or opinions of others
How can I tell if I’m people pleasing?
How can Yellow Leaf Therapy help with people pleasing?
Taking care of the emotions of others is a pattern and protective response that parts of you have learned in difficult times. Some reasons that therapy can be helpful to stop people pleasing include:
You can be assured that you are meeting with a trained professional who continuously checks in with themselves and manages their own emotions (managing my emotions is part of my job!)
Therapy is a space where we can be curious about your feelings and needs
I know that it can feel overwhelming to share and to be seen, and so we move at a pace that feels okay with all parts of who you are
At Yellow Leaf Therapy, I have so much respect and care for the parts of you that have learned that it is their job to take care of the emotions of others. I also believe that these parts of you have many strengths.
Together, we curiously notice the parts of you who have learned that it their job to take care of the emotions of others. We also hold a space of curiosity where we can think about what it means to you to live a more full life and take steps to get there.
What training does Yellow Leaf Therapy have specifically to help with people pleasing?
Some of the trainings that I have specifically to support with people pleasing are:
ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) for Perfectionism and People Pleasing [Russ Harris]
Level 1: Trauma-Informed Stabilization Therapy (TIST) [Janina Fisher, PhD]
Level 2: Trauma-Informed Stabilization Therapy (TIST) [Janina Fisher, PhD]
Shame and Self-loathing in the Treatment of Trauma [Janina Fisher, PhD]
More about our approach
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I primarily work with mindfulness and acceptance-based approaches.
My therapy approach is trauma-informed and grounded in an anti-oppressive framework.
I believe that who we are is shaped by the world around us and the generations before us. This means, for example, that our strengths and difficulties can be connected to both our individual lives as well as to various larger structures and systems. I have experience supporting clients in curiously and gently noticing and reflecting on the stories that we have learned about ourselves and others, how they shape our lives, and how they may be (or may not be) supporting our well-being.
Therapeutic modalities and frameworks that inform my approach include:
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Trauma-informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST), which can be known as “parts work”
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Ego State Therapy
Attachment Theory
Feminist Therapy
Anti-oppressive Practice (AOP)
Emotion-focused Family Therapy (EFFT)
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
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I have completed my Master of Social Work (MSW) and am a Registered Social Worker (RSW) with the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers (OCSWSSW) [Registration Number: 843711]. This means that I am required to follow the standards and code of ethics outlined by the OCSWSSW.
I engage in ongoing professional development and training. Some of my completed and ongoing trainings include:
ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) for Perfectionism and People Pleasing [Russ Harris]
Level 1: Trauma-Informed Stabilization Therapy (TIST) [Janina Fisher, PhD]
Level 2: Trauma-Informed Stabilization Therapy (TIST) [Janina Fisher, PhD]
ACT for PTSD, Anxiety, Depression & Personality Disorders [Dr. DJ Moran]
EFFT (Emotion-Focused Family Therapy) [Dr. Adele Lafrance]
DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) [Broadview Psychology]
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) [Broadview Psychology]
Attachment and Families - Strategies for Engaging and Helping [CRTI Crisis & Trauma Resource Institute]
Shame and Self-loathing in the Treatment of Trauma [Janina Fisher, PhD]
I engage in regular clinical supervision with Oona Fraser, M.A., R.P. (CRPO registration# 003448).
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Mindfulness is popularly defined as noticing what is occurring in the present moment without judgment.
Many Western therapies that are widely used, such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), and some forms of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - use aspects of mindfulness.
Mindfulness has also been an important presence in many spiritual, religious, and knowledge traditions for thousands of years. Within these spaces, mindfulness often has additional meanings that were often removed when mindfulness began to be used by Western therapies. For example, Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist Master, says that an important aspect of mindfulness is to support the insight of ‘interbeing’ – in other words, to notice the interconnection between all beings.
I am a spiritual person (though I do not identify with a particular religion) and daily practices such as meditation help me to nourish myself so that I can be attuned and present.
In our work, I approach mindfulness from a secular (non-religious) perspective. In our therapy sessions, we use mindfulness to, for example, notice the different parts of you and notice how these different parts are present in your moment-to-moment experience through thoughts, emotions, or sensations. Noticing with mindfulness may also support you in noticing interconnection between yourself, your experiences, and the experiences of others around you.
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In my work, a trauma-informed approach broadly means that we move at a pace that feels comfortable for all parts of you.
It means that you can ask questions, pause, or change your mind at any time.
It means that we work together to notice what support feels helpful, or unhelpful to you, and to respect that understanding.
Ready to get the support you need?
Book a free consultation
The first step to starting therapy with us is to book a 15-minute, no-cost phone or video consultation.
This call will briefly go over what brings you to therapy as well as any questions you have in getting started.
