When Safety Feels Unsafe: Understanding Why Calm Can Feel Hard
Please note that this blog post reflects the author’s perspective is not a substitute for individual therapy or support. If you need immediate support, please connect with your local crisis support (such as calling or texting 9-8-8 within Canada) or emergency services (such as 9-1-1).
You can’t logic your way into calm. When safety feels unsafe, your nervous system might be remembering what it once meant to survive. Here’s how to understand those reactions — and how to help your body feel safe again.
When Calm Doesn’t Feel Calming
You’ve finally carved out a quiet moment — the emails are done, the house is still, your body should relax.
And yet… your chest tightens. Thoughts start racing. You reach for your phone, tidy something, do anything to fill the quiet.
If this sounds familiar, perhaps you’re not “bad at relaxing”. Perhaps your body learned that stillness wasn’t always safe. This is what trauma-informed work calls a survival pattern — a learned way of protecting yourself that once made perfect sense.
Your nervous system isn’t failing you. It’s trying to keep you safe in the way it knows best.
The Body Remembers what ‘Calm’ Used to Mean
Even when life is more stable or safer now, your body might not have caught up. The nervous system doesn’t tell time — it learns through experience, and holds feeling memories of those experiences. Experiences might be a big event, but they can also be many little moments that we don’t consciously remember of reading body language or the atmosphere in a room, for example.
If calm moments in the past were followed by conflict, neglect, or danger, your body might have drawn a conclusion that stillness = something bad is coming.
Polyvagal Theory calls this neuroception — your body’s unconscious ability to detect safety or threat long before your thinking brain gets involved.
Sometimes our bodies are still responding to old cues, even as our minds insist, “You’re fine now.” The work isn’t to convince the body with logic — it’s to help it feel the safety that exists in the present.
Familiar Isn’t Always Safe
Our nervous systems gravitate to what’s familiar, even when that familiar pattern causes distress.
A tense, busy state might feel normal if that’s what kept you safe in the past. Stillness, by contrast, can feel foreign or even threatening.
You might notice:
Restlessness or agitation when things slow down
Overworking or overhelping when life feels too quiet
Emotional numbness or shutdown during moments of peace
These aren’t character flaws — they’re protective strategies. They’re the body’s way of staying alert to prevent harm.
In parts-informed language, we can understand that the part of you that avoids calm isn’t trying to sabotage you — it’s protecting you in the only way it knows how.
It’s like an inner protector saying, for example, “If I stay busy, nothing can catch me off guard.”
In contexts where we have safety, healing begins when that part is met with curiosity or openness instead of shame.
The Polyvagal Ladder in Action
When “calm” feels unsafe, your system may still be stuck on a lower rung of what Stephen Porges calls the Polyvagal Ladder — the body’s hierarchy of survival states.
Dorsal vagal (shutdown): your body protects you through numbing or withdrawal.
Sympathetic (fight/flight): your body is scanning for what could go wrong.
Ventral vagal (safety and connection): your body feels grounded and open.
Healing isn’t about forcing yourself into the top ventral vagal rung — it’s about inviting the body upward, one cue of safety at a time.
Instead of asking “How do I calm down?” try asking:
“What does my system need to feel a little safer, curious, or connected right now?”
Gentle Experiments in Trust
You can’t simply think your way into feeling safety, but you can support your body to recognize it again through small, repeated moments of trust.
Some gentle experiments that you might try:
Name what feels safe.
Notice who, what, or where brings even 1% more ease. A particular song, a warm light, a pet’s steady breath.Anchor in sensation of the present moment.
Rest your hand on your chest. Feel the texture of a blanket or the warmth of tea in your hands. Let your body register “I’m here.”Let parts speak.
If an inner part worries what will happen if you relax, let it voice that concern. Can your adult self reassure it that it’s safe now?Pace yourself.
A few seconds of practicing curiosity or openness is enough to begin. Healing happens in doses your system can handle.
When the external conditions of safety are met in our lives but we feel uneasy, then we can notice that safety isn’t simply a destination — it’s something you practice feeling in real time, in the body you have right now.
Going Gently: Relearning Safety with Support
If this resonates, you might like revisiting my earlier post: Navigating Your Nervous System: The Polyvagal Ladder vs. The Window of Tolerance. It offers a gentle primer on how the nervous system responds to stress and safety.
As you explore your own cues of safety and connection, remember:
Your body is the expert on your pace. Healing happens through small, steady steps — not through force or perfection. Notice what feels supportive, pause when things feel too much, and reach out for co-regulation when needed — whether that’s with trusted people, a grounding space, or a therapist who can hold the process with you.
You don’t have to climb the ladder alone. The path toward safety is slow, relational, and worthy of care.
And stay tuned for the next piece in this series, which will look at co-regulation and connection.
About the Author
Sabrina Sibbald (MSW, RSW) is a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist. She supports adults in Burlington, Toronto, and across Ontario to overcome anxiety, people pleasing, and trauma so they can move forward in a way that feels true to who they are.
References
Dana, D. (2018). The polyvagal theory in therapy: Engaging the rhythm of regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Dana, D. (2021). Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection: 50 client-centered practices. W. W. Norton & Company.
Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors: Overcoming internal self-alienation. Routledge.
Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment. W. W. Norton & Company.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.
Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful therapist: A clinician’s guide to mindsight and neural integration. W. W. Norton & Company.
