People-Pleasing and Your Inner World: Understanding and Transforming Patterns through Trauma-Informed Therapy
Please note that this blog post reflects the author’s perspective is not a substitute for individual therapy or support. If you need immediate support, please connect with your local crisis support (such as calling or texting 9-8-8 within Canada) or emergency services (such as 9-1-1).
Do you ever feel like it’s your responsibility to make everyone around you happy? Maybe you say “yes” to things when you’d rather say “no,” or feel anxious at the thought of expressing your own needs. People-pleasing can feel like a way to keep relationships safe and harmonious, but it often leaves you feeling drained, anxious, and disconnected from yourself.
At Yellow Leaf Therapy, I understand how people-pleasing can feel less like a choice and more like a deeply ingrained way of surviving. My trauma-informed approach, incorporating mindfulness and acceptance-based approaches such as parts work, provides a compassionate path to explore the roots of these patterns and rediscover a life that feels true to you.
Understanding People-Pleasing: A Survival Strategy
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is often misunderstood as being overly nice or agreeable. In reality, it reflects a complex process rooted in beliefs and feelings that shape how you relate to yourself and others.
For example, people who experiencing people pleasing might notice an internal voice saying:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I have to make others happy to feel safe.”
“If I express my needs, I’ll be rejected.”
These thoughts don’t emerge randomly. They are often tied to experiences where pleasing others felt essential for survival—whether to avoid conflict, maintain connection, or protect yourself emotionally.
Why Do We People-Please?
From a trauma-informed perspective, people-pleasing often reflects adaptive strategies developed in response to difficult life circumstances and environments. Our brains and bodies are really smart, and can adapt in ways (often without us being consciously aware) that we have learned help us get through difficult things.
Janina Fisher, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and world-renowned expert in trauma-informed therapy, explains that we can understand of patterns such as people pleasing from a mindfulness-based parts work approach, where parts of you take on specific roles to protect you from harm or rejection.
For example, you might notice:
A people pleaser part that prioritizes others to maintain safety or connection.
A anxious part that fixates on situations or thoughts and becomes worried at the thought of disappointing others.
A sad part that holds the belief that your worth is tied to your ability to make others happy.
These parts are not “bad” or “broken”—they are often trying to protect. Therapy helps these parts understand that their hard work is appreciated, and also that they no longer need to work so hard to keep you safe.
What Are Parts, and How Do They Influence People-Pleasing?
We are all made up of different parts! Parts are patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviour. They arise from neural pathways that have been reinforced over time, creating familiar ways of responding to stress, fear, or uncertainty. These parts aren’t separate physical entities but rather ways of understanding how we respond to the world, often shaped by our life experiences.
These parts can operate consciously or unconsciously, showing up in situations that may or may not feel dangerous. Another way of thinking about parts is that they are patterns connected to when our nervous system kicks into different forms of survival mode - like fight, flight, and freeze.
Six Key Themes of People-Pleasing
Parts of you who hold feelings of “not good enough”
Many people who experience people pleasing may find a part of themselves that feels “not good enough.” This part might believe - through messages from others or from other parts - that their worth is conditional, dependent on how much they can give, help, or please others.
Parts who try and Protect Through Rigid Rules
People-pleasing often operates under internalized rules like, “I must always make others happy” or “My needs don’t matter” or “I’m the strong one and I can handle other people’s emotions, but they can’t handle my true feelings”. These rules can feel like unshakable truths, creating pressure to prioritize others at all costs.
Parts who Fear Breaking the Rules
Even when we recognize the toll people-pleasing takes, the idea of breaking these rules can feel terrifying for parts of us. Intense guilt, shame, or anxiety may surface at the thought of saying “no” or setting boundaries. These emotions are often tied to parts of us that fear rejection or abandonment.
Parts who try and protect through Avoiding Difficult Emotions
Parts related to people pleasing often try to protect us from uncomfortable emotions like guilt, anxiety, or fear. It makes sense - these feelings can be overwhelming! However, while this process often feels protective in the short term, at times it can keeps us stuck in patterns that don’t feel aligned with our values or goals in the present.
Not being taught or having had the opportunity to learn about Personal Rights, needs or Values
People who have parts that are worried about pleasing others often feel that they aren’t sure of or don’t deserve to express their own needs or boundaries.
Not having had the opportunity to learn Assertiveness Skills
When we have people pleasing parts, we may have learned that assertiveness is not welcome or safe, and so we may have never had an opportunity to feel safe enough to learn skills that help us express our needs and wants.
How Therapy Helps You Transform People-Pleasing Patterns
Curiosity and Compassion Toward Your Inner World
Therapy is about becoming curious about these internal patterns, rather than judging them. When we approach your people-pleasing behaviors with compassion, we can uncover the intentions behind them. Often, these parts are trying to protect you or ensure connection, even if their methods feel can exhausting or overwhelming at times.
Being Curious about Your Values and Your Personal Rights
Many of us have not had the space or safety to explore our own values, interests, and rights. Therapy helps you explore these areas, such as the right to say “no,” to set boundaries, and be curious about what supports your well-being. Exploring your rights and values aren’t selfish—they’re essential for living a life that feels authentic to you.
Develop Assertiveness Skills
If assertiveness feels unfamiliar or intimidating, therapy offers a safe space to learn and practice. Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive; it’s about clearly and kindly communicating your needs while respecting others.
Build Emotional Resilience
As you begin setting boundaries, parts of you may feel guilt, fear, or anxiety. Therapy helps you build the resilience to face these emotions without letting them control your actions.
Rediscover Your True Self
People-pleasing can obscure your sense of self, leaving you unsure of your own needs, desires, or values. Therapy provides a compassionate space to explore and reconnect with your authentic self.
A Compassionate Path Forward
Healing from people-pleasing isn’t about erasing the caring parts of you. It’s about creating balance—honoring your needs and boundaries while still showing up for others in a way that feels sustainable. At Yellow Leaf Therapy, I’ll help you navigate this journey with compassion, curiosity, and a deep respect for all the parts of you that have worked so hard to keep you safe.
If you’re ready to reclaim your sense of self and explore what it means to live authentically, I invite you to book a session today. Together, we’ll help you break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and rediscover a life that feels true to you.
About the author
Sabrina Sibbald (MSW, RSW) is a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist. She supports adults in Burlington, Toronto, and across Ontario to overcome anxiety, people pleasing, and trauma so they can move forward in a way that feels true to who they are.
Sources:
Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation.
Hayes, S. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change.
Trauma-Informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST) framework for working with parts and trauma responses.
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Course: ACT (Acceptance & Commitment Therapy) for Perfectionism and People Pleasing [Russ Harris]
