Three Coping Strategies when Moments are Really Hard: From a Social Worker (MSW, RSW) & Therapist
Please note that this blog post reflects the author’s perspective is not a substitute for individual therapy or support. If you need immediate support, please connect with your local crisis support (such as calling or texting 9-8-8 within Canada) or emergency services (such as 9-1-1).
Sometimes, we feel curious, or compassionate, or calm, or connected.
And sometimes, we are in moments that are really tough and where much is outside of our control. And we feel overwhelmed or lost. Or disconnected.
We might be experiencing the loss of someone close to us, or the loss of a version of a life that we had hoped for ourselves.
We might have been placing so much effort into something important to us and it just isn’t working or that other person just isn’t getting it.
We might be experiencing racism, homophobia, discrimination, or other forms of violence that are normalized within places like our workplace or country.
When we are feeling overwhelmed, our capacity to see options, seek support, or work toward change often feels out of our reach (makes sense, because our thinking brain shuts offline when we are in a moment of overwhelm that has reached the level of survival mode!).
In these moments, our goal is to find ways to get through the peak of this emotion – and hopefully, ways that don’t move us in the opposite direction of what we want in life. In other words, to get through the tough moment without adding layers to suffering.
From my experience as a registered social worker and psychotherapist (and human!), here are some of my favourite ways to cope with overwhelming feelings:
Dropping Anchor
If your mind is like my mind, then when you are feeling overwhelmed, you might notice that your thoughts feel like they are spinning. While our minds feel like they can figure things out if they keep thinking long and hard enough, often times staying in our heads can lead to us feeling worse.
Dropping anchor is a practice from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (also known as ACT). The idea, as described by Dr. Russ Harris, international best-selling author and world-renowned teacher of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), is that when we are in the middle of an emotional storm, we often can’t just make the waves of emotion go away. After all, we are human, and to be human means to feel emotion - and sometimes, big emotions.
What we can practice is being able to drop an anchor so that our ship doesn’t get thrown around in the waves.
Here, dropping an anchor means dropping out of purely experiencing our feelings (thoughts, emotions, sensation) and into noticing our feelings.
Practice Invitation: Dropping Anchor
Acknowledge the feelings, thoughts, emotions
Simply notice. For example, “hello anxiety, I know you’re here” or “noticing heaviness in my heart” or “the sad part is here right now”
Come back into the body
Some ideas: Stretch or lengthen your spine, notice your breathing, move around, go for a walk, take a sip of water
Engage with the world around you
Some ideas: Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding skill, talk with a supportive person, hug a pet
Repeat as many times as desired or until you feel a bit more anchored.
Unblending
Feelings of anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, anger, overwhelm – we may be feeling some or all of these things when we are in situations that feel outside of our control. If we take a moment to notice our inner child from our perspective as a here-and-now adult, it’s likely also true that the younger parts of us are feeling these things too, and often times even more intensely than our adult selves.
The specific application of mindfulness through the practice of “unblending” originates in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. The way that I write about and support with unblending in therapy sessions is based on my training in Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment (TIST), which combines IFS along with other approaches like somatic therapy.
Janina Fisher, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and renowned trauma therapist, describes that when we are overwhelmed by a distressing emotion, we can think about it as our here-and-now adult selves being blended with a part of who we are. Here, a part is a younger pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours that are connected to our (often unconscious) survival responses like fight, flight, freeze, submit, and attach.
In terms of what’s happening physiologically for us, blending often means that our thinking brain, our prefrontal cortex, has been turned off so that our survival instincts can do what they need to do without being slowed down by conscious thought. While this automatic running of the show by different parts of who we are was likely helpful for us to survive in the past, it might lead us to respond in ways in the present that are not in line with our current, adult goals, priorities, values, or situation.
The essence of unblending is turning our thinking brain back online through noticing the patterns and feelings rather than simply experiencing them.
It’s important to note that if you have experienced trauma in the past or notice that emotions can feel really overwhelming, it can be helpful to have a therapist support you in tailoring these steps to ways that work for your parts and your system.
Practice Invitation: Unblending
Notice: Your feet on the floor. The sensation of taking deep breaths.
Say out loud or in your head: This feeling is a part of me who is triggered. It is not all of who I am.
Be curious: What does this younger part need from adult you in this moment to feel less overwhelmed?
Ideas: to know that you are here; to know their feelings are valid; to know that right here and now, they are safe; to know that you can get though difficult things and that you can reach out for support when you need help; to know that this emotion will pass.
Riding the Emotional Wave
Have you ever noticed that no emotion stays exactly the same forever? It’s true, maybe a particular emotion might be around often. Even in those cases, when we really spend time noticing the emotion, we can see that the emotion does not stay exactly the same all the time - for example, it might rise and fall in intensity. If you notice that the waves feel overwhelming or that new waves start soon after a previous wave finished, therapy can be a helpful support.
Riding the Wave or Urge Surfing is a distress tolerance skill taught in DBT, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.
Practice Invitation: Mapping the Emotional Wave
Action: Draw or visualize a wave - e.g. a curved line that has a beginning, rises to a peak, and then gradually curves down to a stop
Be curious: Notice, where are you on the wave right now? Leading up to the peak? The feeling at its most intense? On the tail end of the emotion?
Say out loud or in your head: This feeling is big. And, like a wave, it will pass.
Invitation: Once you notice where you are on the wave, try out one of the practices above if you notice you are feeling overwhelmed
This wave, too, will pass
Sometimes, we are in moments that just feel really, really difficult.
If you have experienced big emotion, you are not alone. It means that you are human!
The practices above are a few of my favourites based in my work with clients as a social worker and psychotherapist, who is also a human and at times feels big emotions.
It’s important to note that when we can, it’s helpful to first experiment with these practices in moments when we’re not completely overwhelmed by anxiety, people pleasing, or trauma symptoms – such as when the emotion is a 2 or 3 out of 10, instead a 10 out of 10. When we are overwhelmed, that’s often not the moment where we can remember to try out coping strategies for the first time. It’s normal to find that some practices work more than others, or some work in some situations but not others, or that we need support to find what works for our specific experiences.
It’s also important to note that we are humans, and we’re wired for connection. One of the first and foundational ways that our nervous systems experience calm is through co-regulation – being in the presence of a supportive other who is calm and grounded.
So, invitation to try these practices with the support of another calm and compassionate being. Maybe this is a pet, a friend, a partner, a flower or plant, or a therapist.
About the author
Sabrina Sibbald (MSW, RSW) is a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist. She supports adults in Burlington, Toronto, and across Ontario to overcome anxiety, people pleasing, and trauma so they can move forward in a way that feels true to who they are.
References
Fisher, J. (2017). Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma: A Workbook for Survivors and Therapists. Routledge.
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-to-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Harris, R. (2019). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. New Harbinger Publications.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Schwartz, R. C. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. The Guilford Press.
