Staying Grounded During Holiday Gatherings: Managing Anxiety, People-Pleasing & Trauma
Please note that this blog post reflects the author’s perspective is not a substitute for individual therapy or support. If you need immediate support, please connect with your local crisis support (such as calling or texting 9-8-8 within Canada) or emergency services (such as 9-1-1).
The holiday season can be a time of joy and connection, but it’s also a period that often stirs anxiety, people-pleasing, and unresolved trauma. Social and family gatherings, with their emotional complexities and heightened expectations, can feel overwhelming for different parts of us. However, with thoughtful preparation and compassionate strategies, you can navigate the holidays while honoring your own emotional needs.
Understanding Triggers in Holiday Settings
Triggers are internal or external stimuli that activate survival responses within our nervous system because they remind us (often unconsciously) of something that our brain learned to identify as potentially dangerous or threatening.
The feelings and behaviours that come with being triggered are survival brain-driven responses - patterns within our nervous system that at one time were used to help us survive or get through overwhelming feelings or unmet. During holiday events, it’s common to experience feeling triggered from many things, such as:
Family Dynamics: Interactions that echo childhood patterns or past hurts.
People-Pleasing Pressures: Feeling the need to prioritize others’ happiness at the expense of your own.
Expectations and Uncertainty: Worrying about how to act, what to say, or how to manage conflict.
Acknowledging these potential triggers can empower you to approach holiday gatherings with greater self-awareness and a plan for care.
Strategies for Managing Holiday Triggers
Practice Mindful Noticing of Feelings
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) encourages us to mindfully notice difficult emotions rather than trying to push them away. Dropping anchor is one way to practice this (check out my previous blog post to read more about dropping anchor).
Create space for all parts of yourself—for example, the anxious part or the people-pleaser part. Practice noticing these parts in your here-and-now adult self rather than blending with their feelings (my previous blog post provides more information about how you can be curious about this).
Identify Your Values and Move Toward What’s Important to you
Reflect on what matters most to you during the holidays. For example, is it connection, rest, or authenticity? Let these values or desired directions guide your choices, from deciding which events to attend to how you respond in difficult moments. It’s important to note that we can have multiple values, and it’s normal that different values will take priority in different contexts.
When you have space and safety, practice checking in with yourself: “Is this action aligned with my values or am I acting from, for example, fear or obligation?”
When you notice that you are not acting from your values or toward the type of person you want to be, know that this is not a failure but rather part of being human. Practice mindful noticing and reorienting toward what’s important to you. (My previous blog post about The Choice Point offers more information about this process.)
Plan for Breaks and Support
Schedule moments of rest before, during, and after events where you can anchor in your here-and-now self. If you’re at a gathering, step outside or find a quiet space to reset when needed.
Make a list of things that are nourishing or regulating for you. If you feel stuck making this list, that’s okay! Try asking a trusted support to brainstorm with you, such as a friend or a professional therapist. Brainstorming in the presence of a loved pet or a calming indoor plant can be helpful, too.
After the Event: Caring for Yourself
Once the gathering is over, take time to process and decompress:
Anchor in the present moment: Take a moment to notice: are parts of me triggered right now? If so, take time to drop anchor in the emotional storm. (Read more about that in my previous post.)
Be Present with Your Inner Parts: If parts of you feel guilt, shame, or exhaustion, take them under your wing as you here-and-now adult self. Be curious about what these parts need from you in the moment.
Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge your efforts, whether it was taking action guided by values, noticing the feeling of being triggered, or simply getting through the holidays.
The Gift of Self-Compassion
The holidays are complex, and it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions. By approaching gatherings with awareness, self-compassion, and tools from ACT and parts work, you can navigate this season in a way that prioritizes your well-being.
And remember, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
About the author
Sabrina Sibbald (MSW, RSW) is a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist. She supports adults in Burlington, Toronto, and across Ontario to overcome anxiety, people pleasing, and trauma so they can move forward in a way that feels true to who they are.
References
Fisher, J. (2017). Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation. Routledge.
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
